Goods Feature

Party On

Pure Romance parties are educational, fun and mouth-tingly
By Maija Zummo

Every girl needs some edible lubricants and glitter, doesn’t she? Photo By: Cameron Knight

Greater Cincinnati has had a contentious relationship with sex and pornography (see: Larry Flynt, Mapplethorpe and Newport in general). But our region also is home to a $90 million-a-year, nationally recognized adult sex toy company.

Pure Romance, based out of Loveland (Love; cute, right?), is an in-home party company that sends sex educators and “intimacy experts” out to women’s houses armed with thousands of dollars worth of dildos, sex games and adorable penis pen caps in order to provide information and naughty toys to improve sexual and personal relationships. The concept is like that of a Tupperware party with vibrators and edible massage oil replacing the hermetically-sealed leftover containers.

Founded in 1993 by Patty Brisben and currently run by her son Chris Cicchinelli, Pure Romance has been recognized by leading business magazines like Forbes, and Brisben even got her own TV special on TLC cable network, Mother Knows Sex.

The company employs more than 30,000 trained consultants who educate 1.2 million women annually in the areas of sexual confidence, self-empowerment and awareness via Pure Romance parties. Penis ephemera isn’t just for bachelorette parties, and when you have the best-of-the-best sex toy parties in your own city there’s no excuse not to throw one, especially when they’re free. And since I’m now an expert in purely romantic house parties, I’m here to tell you what to expect as a hostess (or an attendee) at your next girls’ night in.

The first thing you need to do is contact Pure Romance (pureromance.com). You’ll be hooked up with a party consultant, who will guide you through the planning process.

Pick a date, and the consultant will send you a hostess\ pack in the mail. The packet includes invitations, catalogues, order forms, raffle ideas and a hostess sheet with rules and credit information. (You get 10 percent of your party’s purchases toward your own purchase!) After I decided on a date, which happened to be on very short notice and on Oscar night (really bad idea to plan a party on a night when many other people are having parties), I started inviting my girlfriends. The hostess packet says, “Have at least 10 guests present. Don’t be afraid to over-invite. Often only one-third of those invited are able to attend.”

I made an invitation on Facebook instead of mailing out postcards, but a few of my friends were too embarrassed to accept it even though it was private (Alex and Taryn), so it looked like only four people were coming. I actually ended up with six.

When choosing who to invite, think about your friends’ personalities, ages and genders. Everyone at the party must be female and must be over 18.

Think about which of your friends is fun, curious, loud, shy or a lush. You always need at least one person who won’t be afraid to rub the mentholated heightening cream on themselves or to get tied up in a beginner’s bondage set, and you always need at least one shy person who will use this opportunity to break out of her shell and do something totally unexpected and liberating. Having a theme is also important. I chose “pink,” but hopefully you’re more creative. Pink seemed to be the most vaginal without being vulgar, and I found some really cute Hello Kitty napkins at Target.

I made strawberry cupcakes, and I was really into trying to find a pink cocktail for everyone to have right when they walked in, just to loosen things up. I ended up with vodka, cranberry juice and a lot of wine. My friends aren’t really picky about alcohol as long as there’s a lot of it. The consultant will arrive at your house about 30 minutes before the party to set up her products. You must have a demo area available, and you’ll also need a separate private room available for ordering.

My consultant, Erin Lapham, Pure Romance’s director of health education, showed up at my door with about $2,000 worth of products in stacked, heavy-duty toolboxes on a dolly. We wheeled them it and set them down, and she took out a pink vinylish tablecloth, which went perfectly with my theme, and started putting out the lotions and potions. The more serious things like vibrators and dildos came out later.

My friends started arriving and started drinking. After everyone had a cocktail and a cupcake, Erin started the party.

She began with a game where she gives you a letter of the alphabet and you have to shout out something sexy that begins with that letter. My friend Christina dominated by shouting out phrases like “Queen bitch in bed” before anyone else had time to process what sex act even starts with the letter Q.

Then Erin started telling us about the oils and lotions. We passed them around and tasted them. Pretty much everything Pure Romance offers is edible — from lubricants to body glitter — and a lot of them taste like cake. They make your mouth tingle. Because the consultants are trained, they can tell you what each of these products is designed to do, physiologically. No, you don’t have to taste anything if you don’t want to.

About 45 minutes into the party, we started getting to the good stuff: the brightly colored gelatin penises, vibrators that look like rabbits and fetish toys. We got to pass these around, too, and ask questions. If the idea of shopping for toys with your friends seems kind of awkward, relax. It’s not that bad. No one will make you talk about what settings you like or anything. And everyone’s getting shit-faced at this point — like my friend Two-Beer Britni — so you just pass them around and giggle.

After the demonstrations, the ordering begins. Everyone goes to the private room individually with their order forms, and each consultant brings containers full of products with them so you can take home whatever you order that night.

Products are packed discreetly into a black Pure Romance bag, and you’re on your way. They even accept check or credit cards if you don’t have cash. The consultants pack up everything themselves, and then you’re free to go on with your night. My drunk friends stuck around and we watched the Oscars and ate pizza. Some people fell asleep or fell off of furniture multiple times.

Eventually boyfriends had to be called to drive their girlfriends home, and my male roommates were finally allowed back in the house. To this day I’m still finding tiny penis pen caps underneath my furniture. ©