ROMANCE | Staff Picks

Photo: Jymi Bolden

Say "I do" with the Dawn Patrol

Best Oddball Place to Get Married: On the air at WEBN. Yes, the "Dawn Patrol" loves a wedding during its morning drive time show -- Eddie Fingers has overseen many a nutty nuptial, including the wedding of Donald Crone and Melissa Stephens of Hartwell, who recently married on the patio of the WEBN studios. WEBN, 1111 St. Gregory St., Mount Adams, 513-241-9597.

Best Oddball Place for a Honeymoon: Aboard the Delta Queen steamboat, a voyage into another century. The bad news: The Queen's owner filed for bankruptcy recently and severely curtailed the 2002 schedule, so much so that the riverboat -- which once called the Port of Cincinnati home -- won't dock again at the Public Landing until May 7, 2003. Mark your calendar.

Best Sex Clinic: That would be CREW (the Center for Research of Endangered Wildlife), which is the most overlooked aspect of the Cincinnati Zoo. Dr. Terri Roth, the director, and her team successfully bred a Sumantran rhino, making history in 2001. The program has also bred the first caracal wildcat and banded insang born in the Western Hemisphere, the first crowned guenon monkey, panay cloudrat, sand cat and first pampas cat born in captivity, the first kingfisher hatched in captivity, plus 18 Komodo dragon eggs hatched at once. Add to this the world's first test tube gorilla, the first elephant conceived and born in Ohio since the days of the woolly mammoth, and the world's first ocelet kitten produced by embryo transfer.

Best Weekend of Sex: No doubt at the "Anything For Love 2002 Festival of Eroticism," scheduled for April 19-21 at the Ramada Inn in Florence. There's a fetish ball, a vendors' bazaar with "almost anything you could ever lust to purchase," a "Circus of the Perverse" costume contest and workshops for everyone from the beginner to professional. Uh, define "professional."

Photo: Jymi Bolden

Thomas Carter, owner of The Thing Shop

Best Discreet Kink: The Thing Shop
Browsing for nipple chains and flavored lubricants doesn't have to be intimidating. The Thing Shop offers adult paraphernalia in a boutique setting, with leather corsets and edible undies alongside more conventional lingerie. The store began as a gift shop 32 years ago, expanding to offer custom costumes for strippers, wrestlers and vigorous amateurs.

"We cater to every community -- gay, straight, transgender, cross-dressers, you name it," says manager Thomas Carter.

Persons in need of strict correction will find plenty to make them wince. All in a comfy store that doesn't make you feel like you're leering. (GF)

The Thing Shop, 811 Monmouth St., Newport, 859-431-4469.

 

Best Exotic Getaway: At the recently opened Shi-Awela Village, an exotic re-creation of a safari village in Africa. Inside the village, you encounter 12 huts with individual front doors and parking. The round, thatched roof huts are surrounded by actual savannah grasses and Kenyan trees and plants, as well as a lagoon, making for what one manager describes as "a virtual-reality African vacation." Each spacious hut features African decor including king-size bamboo beds with mosquito netting, animal pelts, even Zulu shields. Shi-Awela Village at Wildwood Inn, 7809 U.S. 42, Florence, 859-371-6300.

Best Sex Friend (in Need): Elyse Metcalf, operator of the funky adult-oriented shop Elyse's Passion that recently moved back to Northside from Over-the-Rhine. Metcalf was severely injured in a house fire in early February, along with her young niece. Both spent a month in the hospital fighting for their lives and, miraculously, have been released -- though a long road to recovery remains. A medical expenses fund has been established for Metcalf, who has fought off several attempts by the Hamilton County Sheriff's Office to shut down her so-called pornographic business and, like many, has struggled to stay in business in light of last year's riots. To donate, contact Elyse's Compassion Fund at the North Side Bank and Trust, 4125 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-542-7800.

Best Sexual Release for Women: The Aronoff Center's much-anticipated production of The Vagina Monologues, which seemingly played every city in the Midwest before finally arriving here in January. (Sources say that Broadway Series sponsor Fifth Third Bank didn't want their name associated with the show at all; it wasn't.) Local actresses Dale Hodges and Kathy Wade got to sit in with national actresses during the three-week run, which had women howling and men squirming. Our favorite skits: the different kinds of moans, the angry vagina, the heartbreaking Bosnian woman. Our favorite Vagina Monologues promotional item: the bright red, hard rubber change purse with the line, "Spread the Word."

Best Birth Class: Hypnobirthing instructor Sharon Said combines guided imagery, self-hypnosis, relaxation breathing techniques and creative expression to help future parents learn how to eliminate the fear and tension sometimes falsely associated with childbirth. The thorough class covers all aspects of labor and birth in addition to Hypnobirthing techniques. For more information, contact Sharon at 513-683-6990 or birthbabe1@cs.com