Leave It to Bevis
When scouting the best of the Greater Cincinnati megalopolis, one can't overlook this lovely burgh

By Brandon Brady and Maria Rogers

Whining and dining
Bevis, Ohio, has twice now become almost famous. First MTV wanted to visit during the height of the Beavis and Butt-Head era. Instead, it's being featured in CityBeat's 2002 Best of Cincinnati issue.

We all know what the bigger honor is.

Attention to the little 'burb known as Bevis is long overdue. Not many people are familiar with its quaint charm. They simply toss it off as part of Colerain Township. And while it does fall within that domain, to lump Bevis in with the rest of Colerain Township is just blasphemous. It does a great disservice to Jesse Bevis, who founded the area in 1816.

Of course, we don't think beloved Jesse would have taken to the fact that a Wal-Mart marks downtown Bevis. (But boy, did we find some great buys for our new office there!) Jesse was more proud of the 20-feet-in-diameter well, known as Franklin Well, that he and his sons dug. Man, life sucked before HBO. Without The Sopranos to keep him occupied, Jesse also constructed a hotel and tavern, a grist mill and a distillery. And then he started all over again when a turnpike barrelled through and stranded the village of Bevis.

  We were out to do our man Jesse proud. Armed with a historical map, a street map, reporter's notebooks, a digital camera, some chewing gum, a bottle of Mountain Dew, Listerine PocketPaks, Chapstick, the O, Brother Where Art Thou? soundtrack, a bottle of aspirin, a stuffed tiger, some loose change, a toddler's gym shoes and a copy of The Nation, we were ready to travel the open road and search high and low to find out just what's so special about Bevis.

Best Bevis Stomping Ground: How could a neighborhood tavern compare when Bevis has a literal stomping ground in The Vinoklet Winery & Vineyard? OK, with the bitter chill in the air the vines weren't as impressive as they could have been. But shrinkage can happen to the best of us. Sitting in the solarium and staring out over the expanse of land while the sun reflects off the pond would be perfectly romantic. Unfortunately, it loses some of its resonance when, instead of wining and dining your special someone, you're stuck bickering with your fellow reporter. Fortunately, the food and the service are good enough to overpower our undesired company. 11069 Colerain Ave., 513-385-9309.

Best Reason to Buy a Vowel in Bevis: There's no easy way to say it, and that's the point. Xochimilco Restaurant needs a little boost from Vanna White. Do you say it with a hard X? A soft X? Is the X silent? Is the X even really necessary? Xochimilco is so difficult to pronounce, there's a phonetically spelled sign at the entrance. Not that that does us much good. The name remains a tongue twister. 3547 Springdale Road, 513-923-2733.

Best Eyesore in Bevis: With white paint covering the windows, blue paint chipping away from its façade and an overgrown lawn, the house can easily be mistaken for being abandoned. This stand-out, in an otherwise habitable cul-de-sac, looks like no one has lived in it for eons. But apparently it's home to a large gnarling dog. Hey, it's an easy mistake, especially with a shopping cart sitting in the yard next door. 3539 Alamosa Drive.

Best Place to Deep Freeze Your Deep Freeze in Bevis: If you think that the Bevis Cedar Grove Cemetery is impressive for housing the remains of Jesse Bevis, wait until you drive behind H.H. Gregg. Yes, to some it might be an odd choice to drive behind businesses, but we investigative reporter types know that sometimes the best stories are hidden from view. Case in point here, as we find a bevy of dead, broken-down refrigerators and other household appliances. It does our heart good to know our Frigidaire has somewhere to rest in peace (other than the front yard) once it crosses to the other side. 9930 Colerain Ave.

Best Lawn Ornament in Bevis: The best lawn ornaments are those that have no relevancy to the area of the world they're located in and that don't match the general theme of the rest of the yard. Yards should not have a theme. But if they do, why not make it the North Pole? The penguins chilling on this lawn in Bevis are interesting. We don't quite get it, but what the hell. 10208 Dewhill Lane.

Pissin' in the wind
Best Piss Boy in Bevis: There's nothing quite so heart-warming as seeing a toddler, pants draped around his ankles, tinkling on the front lawn. OK, so it's just a wooden re-creation, but it's something you won't find in Indian Hill. Besides, locating a flesh-and-blood boy to do the trick reeks of child labor law violations. Pity. 2837 Niagara St.

Best Lawn Jockey in Bevis: Lawn jockeys are a dime a dozen -- well, they're a little bit more expensive than that, but you get the point. The trick, of course, is to make your lawn jockey stand out. Give it a little panache. And while you're at it, why not support one of the home teams? Since no lawn jockeys dressed in drag can be found, the one decked head-to-toe in a plethora of Bearcat garb is, much like Huggins' team, a clear winner. 10298 Storm Drive.

Making tracks in the sand

Best Rubber in Bevis: Putting old 6-foot-wide tires in a landfill is bad for the environment, but putting them in a park for little children to play on is, well, just plain brilliant! You never know how many uses there are for rubber. What could be more fun than sand in your hair from laying inside a mega-sized tire in Bevis? The tire-turned-sandbox makes us laugh. It makes us cry. It makes us want to get tetanus shots. Clippard Park, 10423 Dewhill Lane, 513-385-7500.

Best Place to Score in Bevis: Bowling alleys aren't quite what they used to be, when skill was required to keep score. Colerain Bowl, Bevis' best (and only) bowling alley, has super-techno computer scoring which, for a certain female reporter, is the equivalent of finding the Holy Grail. Good thing we don't attend during the black light bowl -- the excitement might just have caused an aneurysm. 9189 Colerain Ave., 513-385-8500.

Beaver fever!
Best Beaver Shot in Bevis: We admit it. We have Beaver Fever! No trip to Bevis could be complete without finding what's certain to be its mascot. For the record, the Bevis Beaver resides in Clippard Park, disguised as a child's playground toy. He's cute, he's furry and he's fun to wrap your legs around. And really, when was the last time you had an actual beaver between your legs?

Best Buff Experience in Bevis: Bevis isn't just a place to let your hair down. It's also a mighty fine place to get undressed, as evidenced by the town's four -- yep, that's right, four -- tanning salons. But our nod has to be Turbo Tan. For the pigmently challenged (i.e., those of us who readily fry like lobsters), it's a safe, sensitive and refreshing experience. That's thanks to the turbo man -- he of the buff, ultra-tan physique -- who looks out for the skinny-ass pale guy, giving helpful pointers to promote a rewarding instead of repugnant experience. And with Turbo Tan's immaculate facilities, stereo-enhanced tanning beds and turbo-charged floor fans, it doesn't seem quite so odd for a tanning newbie to go au naturel in a public establishment. (Well, it's still a little freaking odd.) 3415 Springdale Road, 513-741-8266.

Best Buffy Experience in Bevis: It's like one-stop shopping for bad-ass babes at CD World. Sure, you might initially stop in to pick up J. Lo's remix album or peruse the used racks for a copy of any of Lita Ford's fine efforts. But then you realize there's a whole world that delves beyond musical delight. The store extends back to reveal a comic-book lover's wet dream. New and used issues. Assorted memorabilia. Posters. And, the pièce de résistance, plenty of copies of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic book -- both the regular issues and the special editions! This might not just be the best store in Bevis. It might be the best store ever! 10266 Colerain Ave., 513-923-1223.

Who let McDog out?
Best X-File Experience in Bevis: McDog's Lakeside Saloon -- is it a joke or reality? When we see the sign, we know we have to stop to lap up the local flavor. No hours posted. The door is locked. No one answers our knocks. To add to the mystery, a fresh cup of Sprite -- or maybe it's water, vodka, saline solution, etc., who knows? -- sits atop a pickup truck, indicating that someone has been there recently. Where is Mr. McDog? What's his story? The world will never know. 3611 Bevis Lane, 513-385-7803.

Best Lynchian Moment in Bevis: By its very nature, this community is a Twin Peaks experience. But even film and television auteur David Lynch would sense some déjà vu by entering the P & S Family Restaurant. It's not a virtual re-creation, but it sure is a kissin' cousin to the RR Diner, one of the locales in Lynch's cult TV show. There's the countertop, the bar stools, the creaky booths. The head waitress is even named Norma! And, no surprise, they serve some damn fine pie and the best cup of Joe in the Tri-Bevian area. 3512 Springdale Road, 513-741-4423.