Very once in a while, I'll pick up a new magazine and leaf through it. If the table of contents doesn't make sense or the page numbers aren't evident, I put it back.
A poorly constructed magazine ruins the whole thing for me.
That's how I feel about public restrooms. Nothing ruins a night out in a restaurant or a bar like an unloved restroom. It's not just dirt or the cardboard toilet roll that barely has enough squares for the next customer. It's the whole thing.
The bathroom, an important part of any establishment, sets the tone for the entire place.
Think about it. When you go out, there are people who don't drink or who are vegetarians, some who dance and others who just hang out - but somewhere, sometime, we all have to go to the bathroom. Even if you don't actually use the plumbing, it can be a refuge, a moment to step back and touch up your face, wash your hands or simply evaluate how your evening's going.
I can only speak for myself, but a good bathroom experience can perk me up just as well as a negative one can keep me from ever visiting a place again.
For your edification, I've selected a few of the best and worst public restrooms I've encountered so far this year. It wasn't so long ago that I made a crusade out of reviewing the bathrooms in our fair city. My bum has connected with a lot of porcelain in this town, and I know what I'm talking about.
BEST
China Food
7133 Montgomery Road, Silverton
It really peeves me when a bar or a restaurant remodels itself and the bathrooms are completely ignored. If you're already shelling out thousands, you'd think you could spend a few pennies for a bucket of paint and an artificial plant for the bathroom.
That's why China Food is on my best list. This used to be a little dinky place with the best takeout in town and a bathroom that had all of the ambience of a crack alley. Then they tore the old place down and remodeled.
They still have the best Szechaun Bean Curd ever, but now they feature an elegant dine-in area. And they expanded and modernized the bathrooms.
There was definitely an attention paid to detail. The men's room floor is blue and the ladies' pink, for those who might have missed the designating signs on the doors. The exhaust system in both rooms is a bit noisy, but the beautifully tiled walls make up for the auditory distraction.
My absolute favorite part of the whole experience was this sign in both rooms: "The light will shut off after 3 minutes. If you wish to continue use of the restroom, then please wave the center of the light. It will turn back on."
I couldn't help but giggle at the mental image of a constipated sort flailing his arms around in need of additional illumination time. This energy efficient lighting system is the crowning touch on a great bathroom in an even greater restaurant.
Cell Block
Jail Alley and Main Street, Over-the-Rhine
It's so rare that a bathroom makes me gush, but I actually was foaming at the mouth from the sheer joy of finding restroom facilities that are as good as or even better than the establishment they inhabit.
First the men's room. I had a hard time slipping in, so I didn't get to spend as much time there as I'd like, but I was impressed with what I saw. Clean and well-kept. Two big stalls plus urinals, which is a rarity. A machine to provide life's necessities we often forget like Advil, Tylenol and a "breath patrol" dispenser. I'm not real sure what the latter was about, but I'm all for anything to eliminate halitosis.
The women's room was even better, an oasis in my desert of sweaty despair after flailing on the dance floor to the Violent Femmes' "Add It Up." This room had so much. Four big stalls, mints (the good kind in the cellophane wrap), lotion and no-rinse hand sanitizer, which makes them aces in my book right there because I like to be clean but hate the drying effects of soap.
Every thing was clean and well-stocked. There were multiple full-length mirrors and the right kind of lighting for viewing. The burnt sienna walls went well with the retro black-and-white checked floor. The walls featured practical stuff like self-promotional ads and phone numbers for taxis, plus trivia on the Top 10 dance songs of the month.
I got a good chuckle out of the Cell Block regulations posted there, but you'll have to check out Regulation No. 1 yourself because it's too long to reprint here.
Overall, the Cell Block gets my vote for the best bathroom of the year. It has everything anyone could ever want or need in a facility. Bring your drink inside, and you wouldn't have to go out to the bar or dance floor at all.
Long before Erma P. Sanders became the Dating Diva for CityBeat, she was known to local alternative weekly readers as the area's self-appointed bathroom cop. From 1989 to 1994, she wrote "From the Stalls," a regular column in Everybody's News that critiqued bathrooms in local restaurants, clubs, government buildings and other public spaces. This article is her first bathroom review since those days. Erma did it under one condition - that it was strictly a one-time shot.
WORST
Village Pub
Main Strasse District, Covington
This bar might very well have the best selection of bottled beers on either side of the river. And you'd think that, if your primary business was serving a diuretic, you would have bathroom facilities to accommodate the need. Well, you'd be wrong.
The men's room at least has a toilet and a urinal, although there's room for another urinal. The ladies room is big enough for at least three stalls, but there's one lone toilet. I felt like I was taking a piddle in the middle of my living room.
To add insult to injury, there's false advertising. A sign on the wall reads "Top 10 reasons to visit Village Pub for all your Reds games." Reason No. 1 is "Ice Cold Beer Here." OK, I'll give 'em that one. But reason No. 7 is "Plenty of restrooms with a plethora of paper." Lie, lie, lie.
The restrooms aren't big enough to handle the average crowd on a slow night. A Reds game? Forget it. And the residents of MainStrasse wonder why visitors piss on their lawns.
Overflow
1207 Main St., Over-the-Rhine
Restrooms are like real estate: location, location, location. The facilities here are located at the top of the steepest flight of stairs imaginable. I was sober and wearing flat shoes on my recent visit - pity the man or woman who's imbibed. Even in its old incarnation as Local 1207, I was surprised to learn that no fatalities had ever occurred in this obvious hazard.
Once again, new owners and new decor, same old restroom issues. The bathrooms themselves aren't particularly bad, either. The men's room has a stall, three urinals and lots of wasted space. I didn't get to look around too much, since it was occupied during my visit.
The ladies room had three stalls that went a little overboard on privacy. The doors are bigger than the ones in my house - they have to be at least 8 feet high. This is just an observation, not a complaint, but it is evidence of screwed-up priorities. The bathrooms should be on the first floor, or put an elevator in that place before somebody gets hurt.
Million's Cafe
3212 Linwood Ave., Mount Lookout
This is a restroom that seems purely an afterthought. You can't serve food and drink without providing a place for your customers to expel it. It seems as though some genius said, "Hey, there's a toilet in this room, let's put up a sign." Low and behold, there's the bathroom.
There are just a few problems with this approach. You have to step up to get in the stalls, which is never a good idea in a place that serves liquor. It's one thing to stumble - it's quite another experience if that stumble lands you face-first in a toilet bowl.
And God forbid if someone wants to wash her hands. Then you can't even get to the stalls, because the poor design doesn't promote an easy flow of traffic. Similarly, when I was leaving the stall I had to wait because some bimbo was checking out the gunk in her teeth in the mirror and I couldn't get past her to get to the front door.
If any improvements are made, somebody please give me a call, because it is unlikely I'll be making a return visit on my own.
